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Return of the Petty Tyrant
It didn’t take long for me to realize yesterday was a Lost Day. I woke up agitated and anxious, and the depression underneath only worsened as the morning progressed. So, I just let go of my plans...
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What Gifts, Mania?
What gifts, Mania? What roads flowing liquid through the dreamscape? What treasures piled like tart grapes? What moons shining? For awhile, mania is a lovely thing. This time, I am driven to...
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Shifting Sands
What I’ve found as a student of my own bipolar disorder is that I function best with a routine and a minimum of stress. I can surf change and surprises if they remain small and limited, but pile on...
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Shot-Gun Rider
Madness will push you anywhere it wants. It never tells you where you’re going, or why. It tells you it doesn’t matter. It persuades you. It dangles something sparkly before you, shimmering like...
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The Path Always Followed
I have a confession. It’s not easy for me to admit this. But, it’s time to face facts. Bipolar Disorder has turned me into a Coot. I never thought it would happen. I expected to be easy-going and...
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Anger and Compulsive Eating
Part of the pledge we say every week in TOPS is “I am an intelligent person. I will control my emotions and not let my emotions control me.” Emotional eating, compulsive eating, is an enormous...
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Failure, Seeds & Tidal Waves
I woke up this morning contemplating failure. I knew last week would be rough. When the Y closes for cleaning each summer, my whole schedule gets disrupted, but I planned around it the best I could....
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Hallmark Doesn’t Make a Card for This
Birthdays kinda suck. It’s not the part about getting older. That’s actually a triumph for me—making it through another year. No, it’s all those demands to be happy, and to celebrate, and to have a...
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Zzzzz…
Mmmfrph. This is my first morning after my first night on a sleeping pill in over three years. Erg. Still didn’t sleep through the night, but part of my brain seems to be unaware of this fact....
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A Head-Scratcher
♦ ♦ ♦ I don’t have the words. This is not a problem that often comes up for me. Lucid, delusional, manic or morbid, I can generally put words to the experience. Not this time. I’m not in exactly the...
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Focus on Gratitude: Day 14
This series on gratitude started as a whistle in the dark, a talisman against the darkness and bogey-boos lurking there. It’s my version of faith, I guess—throwing out a thin line into the black and...
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Fighting For My Life
I’m in a mood. I’ll just put that out there as a disclaimer so you know what follows is tainted. This is a mood that seems to keep coming back. Well. That’s bipolar disorder in a nutshell. So to...
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F*ck Bipolar
(Warning: F Bomb Minefield Ahead) I woke up furious this morning. It happens sometimes. When I start to shift out of a long siege of depression, there’s no telling what form the sudden influx of...
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Coming Out
Journaling in coffee shops is a big part of my MO. It’s how I push the worst of the internal pain and distortion to my margins. It’s how I remember who I am. Journaling is vital for me. It’s...
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Welcome Home, Old Friend
Rage seems to be intrinsic to my flavor of bipolar disorder. In a mixed state, where symptoms of both depression and mania manifest, my “manic” is some form of agitation—anxiety, compulsive behavior,...
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Putting the Libra to Sleep
• I’ve completed six days in the Lutheran Hospital outpatient program, and I can’t tell yet if it’s making me better or worse. There are two designations—IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) 1 and 2....
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Disquietude
My computer came home today, perkier, but still not firing on all cylinders. The tech-docs did their best and will continue to monitor vitals. At least I don’t have to create posts on my phone...
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Muttering
I’ve stalled out in a mixed-state depression. It’s nothing new, not even very noteworthy, but I’m always surprised by how it changes everything. My perception becomes bleak and twisted, my body slow...
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Fury Road
I woke up this morning feeling like—as my friend, Lily, so delicately puts it—dog shit on the bottom of God’s shoe. Also, furious. But I pulled on my swimsuit, intending to take it out in the water....
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